


wanna run away (but i won't)

by CapriciousCrab



Series: Bingo fic 2018 [4]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Internal Monologue, M/M, Post-Tour, References to Depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-07
Updated: 2018-10-07
Packaged: 2019-07-27 10:54:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,128
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16217561
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CapriciousCrab/pseuds/CapriciousCrab
Summary: Complicated emotions leave Phil struggling with Dan's depression





	wanna run away (but i won't)

**Author's Note:**

> this was written for the Phandom Fic Fests- Bingo Fest  
> the prompt was: post-tour
> 
> Thanks to Evening42 for reading it through

 

He can see it coming.

  
Like a heavy fog that rolls in and coats things in its path, it creeps into their home and leaves behind a filmy shroud that obscures everything around them. Depression is a quiet thief and there is nothing he can do to keep it from happening; can only helplessly watch it approach as it slowly seeps into their life to steal away the light in Dan's eyes and the energy from his body. It leaves Dan apathetic and flat; listless and sad as he wraps himself up in his fuzzy throw and stares blankly at the telly.  
  
*

  
They both knew this would happen, this post-tour letdown. It just happened a little quicker than Phil had expected. So despite his own exhaustion, he had agreed to jump straight into editing when they arrived back in London, willing to sacrifice their annual pajama week in the hopes of cushioning the landing when Dan inevitably fell.  
  
He shakes the small Lush bag in his left hand nervously as he walks down the aisles of Tesco. He wants to pick up a few things for Dan before returning home, a few comfort items that will bring a hint of a smile to his face. Phil knows that bath bombs and ice creams won't magically lift away the depressive episode but he'll do anything to make it a bit easier for Dan to bear. Even if he has to play court jester and juggle oranges, fumbling them on purpose for the sole intent of hearing Dan laugh.  
  
Still, he couldn't help but feel a little resentful when he saw Dan's Instagram story lamenting his sadness and his need to fill the emptiness with food. As if Phil hadn't been the one to suggest that they get something to eat and wasn’t stood next to him watching him attempt to carry the pizza and film at the same time.  
  
That tiny seed of resentment unfurled a little bit more when Dan later went on to gush about the compliment he received on his coat as if Phil himself doesn’t shower Dan in compliments all the time. But apparently, _Phil's_ appreciation isn’t enough, Dan still needs the validation of strangers to lift his mood.  
  
Sometimes he's tired of feeling invisible.  
  
He doesn't realize he's stood there scowling at the pints of ice cream until the store clerk approaches and timidly asks if they can help him find what he needs.  
  
He tries to shake off his mood and offers a smile by way of apology as he picks out the two flavors he thinks Dan will like best, wincing at the price. Bit expensive for a bit of pistachio and salted caramel but he shrugs philosophically and heads to the register. What can he do? Dan has expensive tastes and Phil has the helpless need to indulge.  
  
*

  
He worries about it as he heads home.  
  
He could have called for a cab but he felt that he needed a bit more time, letting the bags in his hands swing gently as he walks. He isn’t trying to avoid Dan, he's truly not. But he needs a little more time to clear his head. To let this bitter mood fade so he doesn't feel petty and childish.

He keeps his head down as he walks, afraid that his face will give away all the negativity that he feels. It shames him to feel this way, to be jealous of the little spots of sunlight Dan finds that brighten his mood. Phil can't help but feel like _he's_ supposed to be the one providing that sunlight. And when he doesn't or when he can't, then he feels like he's failed them both.  
  
He'll have to bring this up to his therapist again, he thinks as he moves along the street. He lifts his head and frowns as he reflects back on the first time they had discussed Phil's feelings regarding Dan’s depression. It hadn’t gone well.

  
  
“ _the return of a depressive episode isn't a sign of any type of failure on your part or his, Phil_ "

He knows this now, after years of seeing his therapist and occasionally Dan's, but sitting there in that office, so young and full of nerves, he had felt like a failure. And the hurt he felt when he couldn't make Dan happy still exists, leaving him helpless and afraid.  
  
“ _he's an adult Phil. You are not responsible for him_ ”

Wasn't he though? Dan is his everything-partner, lover, best friend. How can he not feel responsible for watching over him when he's struggling? Especially when he gets hundreds of tweets from their viewers or phone calls from their friends, full of concern after Dan posts one of his darker thoughts, asking him to do just that?  
  
“ _you can't solve all of his problems, Phil. He's not your project to be fixed_ "

He had gotten angry at that. Properly angry, enough to make him get up and leave in the middle of the session. He had sat on the Tube fuming before the anger turned to worry that perhaps... perhaps his therapist was right. Maybe Phil did have some kind of Savior complex, some subconscious desire to save people in a desperate attempt to be needed.

  
  
He remembers now how confused and upset he had been. How alone he had felt sitting on that crowded subway with thoughts of just running away from it all playing in his head, his eyes stinging with unshed tears. Everything had felt so large, so beyond what he was capable of handling that he nearly called his mum and asked to come home.  
  
But he hadn't run.

He's here; full of messy, complicated emotions but always ready to fight for them both.

He's here; quickening his footsteps as the sky grows darker and the cool London air tips toward chilly, eager now to be home.

He's here; unlocking the door to their flat knowing that on the other side of this door is everything he used to dream about as a young man-warmth and love and Dan.  
  
He steps inside and calls up the stairs.  
“Dan? I’m here”

*

Later, he nestles under Dan's blanket, cozy and content on the sofa as he watches Dan play Skyrim. He films this moment like he does so many others, ignoring Dan's protesting squawk.  
  
He saves them all; his own little spots of sunlight to watch back on the days when things feel impossible and everything seems too dark. When he feels angry and frustrated and alone. When that urge to run away strikes him once again.

But he won't run.

Instead, he'll be here watching this clip of Dan screaming at his virtual dragon, smiling as he warms himself in that little spot of sunlight.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!
> 
> you can like/reblog [here](https://capriciouscrab.tumblr.com/post/178817090245/wanna-run-away-but-i-wont-rating-t-word-count) if you'd like :)


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